theater review
october movie monster bash
Terrifying Tag team:
Old School versus New Ghoul

By Sally Carraher
Northern Light

Ghoulberg: Welcome back my pretties, to the Northern Light October Movie Monster Bash, where the ghost with the most, the spook to boot, the mother of all monsters will be crowned, his, her or its status decided once and for all (at least until next Halloween) after the final championship match coming Oct. 28.

Razor-Ribbon: Hi Vlad. Glad to see you’re in a better mood for tonight’s tag team event.

G: Well, that’s because I’m confident about tonight’s match, Molly. I really feel sure about things this time, I mean kids these days don’t have a thing over the original makers of the macabre.

R: Oh, we’ll see – remember the Old School wasn’t very well represented in last week’s match.

G: He was hopelessly outnumbered.

R: Whatever. No rules were broken. The Gremlins reigned supreme. And that’s the bell – it’s midnight, let’s rip.

G: In the left corner, I am very pleased to announce the two kings of creep representing the Old School, none other than Frankenstein’s monster and Dracula himself.

R: And the right corner, representing the New Ghouls, Evil Ash from the “Evil Dead” series and the Invisible Man.

G: Look’s like Franky and the see-through chump have chosen to start things out.

R: Always a little slow on the up-take, Franky’s never been known for agility or grace, but he is one of the most aggressive defensemen I’ve ever seen.

G: Every village peasant from here to Bavaria has tales of his wrath.

R: Well, not too many peasants have cable, what else are they supposed to do with their time besides tell stories and shovel poo? Speaking of poo! Holy crap! Did you just see that?

G: Yes. And here’s the replay slowed down. It seems the Invisible Man had a fake arm stuffed in his sleeve, like Johnny Depp in “Once Upon a Time in Mexico” and while Franky was watching the gloved decoy, he just got his bolts clobbered right out of his neck by a naked arm. Wow. Franky’s huffing now! I haven’t seen him this angry since the blind man lit his thumb on fire “Bride of Frankenstein” (1935) and “Young Frankenstein” (1974).

R: How exciting. But what’s this, the Invisible Man just tagged Evil Ash. Oh how low!

G: He does the dirty work, gets Franky riled up, and then leaves the S-Mart crewman to clean up the mess!

R: How ironic.

G: No, ironic is Kevin Bacon getting cast as the INVISIBLE MAN in “Hollow Man” (2000) and still finding a way to get a full frontal shot in the film!

R: Ah, don’t feel threatened Vlad. The big screen adds ten pounds to everything. Back to the game. Flailing in pure fury, Evil Ash seems all too eager to take on the monster. Franky groans. Hooks with his left.

G: Ooh, Evil Ash bites it.

R: I think your mean “Eww.” Because he really did bite it!

G: Stop sensationalizing things. Like biting your opponent hasn’t already been overplayed in boxing and the media.

R: Yes, but he’s got a hold of something much more vital than an ear, and he’s not letting go. Hey! Dracula is hanging over the ring. He wants Franky to tag him in. What’s he saying? Let’s get some audio please!

Dracula: Let me at him Franky! No one bites my bro you second-rate, B-movie flop star! No one ’cept me… and uh, when the mood’s right, with the violins playing…his bride!

R: Whoa, Dracula’s tagged, but Franky’s refusing to get out of the ring!

G: Uh, Molly, that’s because his arm is still in Evil Ash’s mou—nevermind, the stitching just popped loose. Franky’s going down.

R: Down, but not destroyed. See him grab Evil Ash’s leg for a sweep?

G: Beautiful! Old School cannot be felled!

R: Yeah, at least, not until the New Ghoul hacks off his other arm with the pantented chain-saw attachment. Captain Hook meets Leather Face, there’s a real horror star!

G: Hey, where’s the Invisible Man when all this…oh. Look Molly, he’s stripped down to pull a sneaky. See the impressions in the foam mat of the ring.

R: Wow, you’re right. Look’s like, from the shape of the impressions, he’s on all fours.

G: Lining up the Old School duo for the playground high-low trick. Evil Ash is getting ready to take his cue; he’s backed up a little to place Dracula and Franky between him and the hunched-over hollow man.

R: And there’s the push, but to anyone just tuning in, it’ll seem like Dracula and Franky are participating in some sort of synchronized, backward, arial cartwheel. With Dracula pinned under the handless monster, both are near helpless against Evil Ash’s chainsaw. What good will Dracula’s charisma and super hickie power do him now?

G: Thanks once again for rubbing it in.

R: Wait! Can we get a close up shot? Look Vlad! Blood seems to be gushing out of thin air below Franky’s twitching legs.

G: Oh damn! The Invisible Man didn’t get up fast enough, and Evil Ash doesn’t seem to notice, or if he does he doesn’t care!

R: Now he’s climbing up in the corner facing the audience.

Evil Ash: I’m the champ! I QUIT S-MART! DAMN THE MAN! I’M THE CHAMP!

R: We’ll see about that Evil Ash. We’ll see next week when you face the returning Gremlins.

G: Ta kiddies! Sweet dreams.